We’re outside now–for Hoopla, that is, although that doesn’t mean it’s actually spring yet. Today, for example, April 19, we’re supposed to get a few inches of snow.
Whatever. This is the weather’s problem, not mine.
But on SUNDAY we at least got some sunshine, even though it was sort of cold. Here I am near Lake Harriet–dangerously near it–in one of the few hooping pictures of me so far where I don’t look like I’m reeling in a 40-pound bass:
Maybe I’m reeling in a 20-pound bass, I don’t know. It’s the whole “T. Rex” arm problem–not so terrible here–but when you’re hooping, it’s hard to know what to do with your arms. Therefore, unless you’re doing the overhead cowboy move, or something on your elbows, they often end up curling up in front of you, potentially in danger of being resorbed by your torso.
Jessica Bessette seems to know what to do with her arms, but then again she knows what to do with the rest of her body, too. I feel like you can’t have super-fancy arms going on if the rest of your body can’t match it. So this is where I am.
How about soccer players? They must have this problem, too. Do their arms end up weakening and atrophying from lack of use? Do they just flop at their sides, ignored and listless, while the star legs run around kicking things?
I guess so.
Then again, and I can hear the objections already, but it’s just true–soccer is basically a man’s sport. It’s a man’s sport that has been colonized by women, yes, but it’s still a man’s sport. Why? Because first of all, it’s very utilitarian: get the ball to the other side of the field and stick it in the net hole. Most men’s sports are a variation on that theme, actually–a bunch of guys running around trying to put a ball in some sort of hole. And there are “winners” and “losers” and the winners scream with their fists in the air and the losers go home and cry on the floor.
Hooping, on the other hand, is quite female. I don’t even want to call it a sport, that’s how female it is, although it is terrific exercise, much like poms, and I can hear the objections already: “poms IS a sport” to which I say, no it’s not, and you should be happy for that. The only reason people get in a bunch about whether something is a sport or not is because at school, you won’t get money for your thing unless it’s classified as something that America cares about, that being, sports (where a ball goes into a hole).
Anyway. I digress. Hooping is female, and it is not a sport, because there is no ball to go into a hole. Instead, you STAND in the hole, and you don’t even try to get out, and nobody tries to put stuff in your hole and you don’t try to put stuff in anybody else’s. You give each other space and you appreciate each other while leaving each other alone. You just stand there and you try to do as much interesting stuff as you can while in the hole, and then people come and they look at you, mesmerized, and sometimes they even take pictures, and then they go away because they have things to put in holes somewhere else so they don’t really have a lot of time, they shouldn’t have stopped in the first place. And that’s okay because you’ve got your own thing going on. This is the very essense of being female.
Yes, men can hoop, and women can play ball-in-hole games. But certain adjustments must be made. For example, Lars is an incredible hooper and also of the male gender. But he accumulates hooping injuries like a hockey player without pads. Sunday it was a bloody nose, and then today on facebook there are pictures of bruises and dirty ripped-off scabs, all thanks to the hoop. Wow. Thanks for sharing. That’s because he does stuff like this on a regular basis, because he wants to:
I’ve given myself a black eye hooping, but I may not go out of my way to do it again. Or maybe I will. I don’t know. But speaking of women with black eyes, here are some ladies for whom football (ball in hole) is the sport of choice. But their adjustment is that they have to do it in their underwear, so that people will care enough to watch. It’s the LFL, the Lingerie Football League, and what can you say about this other than I hope these women are getting good health insurance out of this.
No.
Yeah no. Weird, this looks like Angelina Jolie and a skinny Patricia Arquette. Ai the inequity. How about we get hot shirtless guys in little hot pants out on the ice, skate-dancing to “Wind Beneath My Wings?” Yeah, see it’s never going to happen. So then why is THIS happening? Because women have given up and someone has convinced them that ball-in-hole sports are the only thing there is. Or at least the only thing that counts. (See: Sports Stadiums Built With Public Money).
What I want to do with my arms right now is give these two women some shirts and makeup remover and push them in the direction of a life coach.
Anyway. So we hooped on Sunday. It was good. So good, in fact, that even though it’s still winter in April, we got this little rainbow from god (or, you know, whomever, “molecules” or whatever you like) and there wasn’t even any rain beforehand to justify it. So there.
